so many things happened this week. first of all, we all have to move out from this house at melati. after days of desperation in finding no house, we finally got this house at radal :) can you believe that?! I just said RADAL! yups. haven't seen it yet, but I know God always give the best for His children, Amien.

Then on Friday, me, nay, chaca, and dara went to aksara kemang. nay wanted to ask for her salary. you wont believe who i saw there. first there was tamara, my friend from elementary school. guess what?! she already has a child [or two, i dont know]. then i met yumma! yups! when i was reading this book and taking a gaze to nay and aryo talking, suddenly i felt like wanna look right up front. and there he was, smiled back at me. hahahaha, we done some stupid talks. it turned out he was going on an interview, with his gf... in which she is dara's junior at primary school. such a small world!!

previously that day, irfan's ex came to visit him at kancut. she's pretty for sure. no wonder he felt so depressed when they finally broke up after 4 and a half years!! phew!!

on sunday night, i met jedi online. we talked and somehow got trapped in another stupid yet hurting argument. i got so sad that i hurt his feelings. he called me afterwards, and said that he feel terrible and sad. oh my, i feel remorse. i told him that he's been changing a lot after we broke up. and he said the same thing. what can i possibly do? i have to protect my feelings to not falling that deep with him anymore. i cant afford the feeling that he might not feel the same way anymore. that's too hurt to bear.

one said that i look prettier the last time he saw me. yeah right! pffftttttt

[BIG SIGH] i need that compliment though! :/

i need a cozy couch

uhuhuhu... tista!!! katanya mo ninggalin comments. mana?? hiks hiks

:: Alicia Keys // If I Ain't Got You ::

feeling rather blue, my collegues from church told me that i'm not that commited to our youth anymore. those statemen kinda made me sad. then what else do i commited to? dont i have anything that i'm submit to?

tonight, with alicia keys playin' on my comp, my mind just wandering off ... i guess it kinda try to find its own palce to rest. some kind of fountain that give promise to be forever young. i need something new to refreshes me inside out.

suddenly i want to return to my old path of being a musician, to jump into the music industry. hmmmm x)

keep on wandering indira ... let your free spirit soar above what they called reality

arghhhh budi just sms and told me to attend this youth meeting at church tomorrow. he said that if i still feel that i have an obligation to the youth, i must attend it. i hate this feeling, i dont need anybody telling me that i must go and do a particular thing just to show that i'm responsible. his words really shows intimidation. it's not like i tried to avoid the meeting on friday, i just plainly cant attend them. i got class till 7pm, cant he understand that?! and when i cant to go sunday church at annex, was it have to be counted as my mistake? what makes me feel accused for not being there anyway? i started to hate this... >:( now if i'm sick, do i have to go there also? or wil they send me another sms telling me that i'm not fit to be the servant of God or at least i'm not fit to be called responsible?! arghhh, can somebody explain this!!!!!!

[Norah Jones' What am I to You but listening to Sarah McLachlan's Angel] ... and I cry

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin true
What am I to you

Yah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin true
What am I to you
What am I to you
What am I to you

what happens when you can feel your aching heart
as gentle as the tears,
your sore feelings
as calm as the breeze,
or when vivid images as real as what you see
when you can see your world better when you close your eyes?

 
:: close
your eyes and feel it ::

[thanks to Steve Silver Photos]

It's been a hectic week for me. For 6 days, the whole paramitra gang had exhibit their books at fisip, and for that whole days, I've been going to campus at 6am and went home at 7-8pm! Can you imagine what that would do to my health? ... You got it! I get sick! I'm sick now, uhuhuhu ... It feels terrible!

for a couple of weeks, I have to come to realize that I really enjoy hanging out with my friends from campus. We've spent so many hours together, just drinking, smoking, talking, and practically doing nothing! Me, nay, yongky, chacha, irfan, Adam, didit, hikmah, and mica usually spend our free time between classes at Klaster. yongky, nay, Anita, and chacha usually smoke pot there, me and the rest just plainly chat and enjoy the sunset. [now I know where my sunset is hiding ;) ]

last Thursday I went to church, and the preacher said something about the phenomena of urban people. The urbans have the tendency to get lonely in the crowd. hmmm, then it makes me one of the urbans for sure. He said that what we actually need is a companion to share ourselves with. I understand that at this time, I don't have that one companion to share myself with. I guess I lost him about a year ago to some element name pride. Home, maybe what I'm really searching is a pal to talk to, to get comfortable with ... And how those criteria is so hard to find in a regular person. At least with my own standards.

[ugh.. Hate this flu!!]
kinda miss my online friends. Wish I can SMS yumma, but looks like his cellphone LCD is broken, so .. Don't know how I can talk to him.

still confused about the house prob. Really need a place to call home, which is near to everywhere, located in south Jakarta with minimum traffic jam accounters. That have a cable vision line as well as a phone line [God bless internet and cell phone technology!]. uhuhuhuhu ... Wish I'll get one around this 2 weeks ...

well, once again on Saturday night, I'm stuck at home. And now with my ridiculous illness, and unprecedented tiredness, with no one to talk to ... Hehehe

kinda tired for working on hanny's translation last night. i finished it at 2am, and met yumma online. finally after all these days, it feels like i haven't seen him in ages. woke up and realized that no one is at home but me. so i gathered up my strength and work out a lil bit. but phew, it makes all my muscles contracting each other.

gonna hit the road to campus again, hmm promised to call him today, gonna have some fun, after that, back to my original nightmare life. phew. really feel the urge to actually "wake up."

met adjie and alif online last night, huhuhu sorry jie, cant talk to you like we always do. so sorry. alif made me laugh couple of times, especially when he mantioned about anto! ahahahah, miss campus a lot :')

Once again, on Saturday night I'm alone. Just me, the computer and my mind that's wandering off else where. I did everything that I neglected for a week. I checked my friendster, uploaded new pic, wrote new postings on blogger and zorpia, worked on some of blog's templates so that i can have comments coming in, sorted my emails, downloaded some up beat songs, made a compilation for didit and irfan, up dated windows media player.. phew almost everything i guess...

there's a couple of things that pops out of my mind. first, i cant imagine what i'll do when i finally work during my 3 months vacation. i mean, i cant hang out as often as i do now with my campus friends. secondly, if i finally gonna work, i dont think i have the ability that is needed for the job. i mean, i understand mainly small stuff, and i cant do big things. so what exactly i can do? need to find that out. thirdly, i wonder when is the appropriate time to watch those darn movies for PKA? none of the gank is excited to come early and watch it together somewhere.

i'm listening to Paolo Santos' Real thing. I did think about what it says in the lyrics. And accidently, I found the answers. Right under my nose... that someone is a trully someone.. He's Lord God Almighty. And for all these days, I've been forgetting Him, yet .. He never forget about me, not even a second.

"Not even a sparrow, worth less than a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it...you are more valuable to him than a whole flock of sparrows." // Matthew 10:29-31

God values me so much that He watches over me no matter where I am or what I am doing. This truly is wonderful, too wonderful to believe.

Sometimes I wonder why a person can be romantic, even if they didnt mean to be romantic. I mean one of the thing that's romantic doesn't concern the relationship between man and woman plainly, but there's just something more to it. something more universal, more majestical, more mysterious, but you can only feel it presence in a vauge impression.

For example, ME. I write this posting, and I can feel myself in some romantic stage, coz the real me might never write these kinds of words and thoughts. The real me, which everybody looks at it as an ordinary girl with cartoon faced, and a silly attitude. There's no way in those position I would be able to write all of this. But then again, when I reach this particular point, I can be a romantic person with thoughts and feelings brought up from my writings. i can dive into the inner self of every human being once they're created. The basic program which God placed, LOVE. Love in a different kind of mood, different kind of way, different kind of view, different kind of interpretations. And yet, this love feels more secure than any ohter love we know. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't lust, It doesn't show any ego whatsoever. It's pure, gentle, fragile, but strong. :D

Good Grief!! I like this!!! xD

i've been trying to get this "comments enabled" on my blog. got no idea whether it's working or not. so if u guys wanna leave comments, feel free to do that, ok! i always wonder what people think about my postings. at least i really hope my friends will :p

huhuhuhu, i love blogger's new look! it seems so .. so .. delicate, but sophisticated. nice.

jedi sms me today. sigh, cant really understand why i tried so hard to make a defence everytime i talk to him. now i cant even understand what i need to write next..

i've got this new gank to hang out with: irfan and yongky. but i dont think yongky is the kind of person that is .. well u know, nice and all. i mean, somehow irfan convinced me that i better give another thought about yongky. then i realized, he did might have this hidden intentions towards us. i mean, first of all he smoke pot a lot! and i mean, his surroundings is not that good either. thank God when i took that whole bottle of beer by myself, there's irfan and not only yongky and me. phew!! i won't do that again!

talked to mr. question guy the other day. he explained me about his relationship status with his girlfriend. he also told me that he once had a crush on me, when the first time i stepped my feet on that bus. yeah right ... i dont know whether i can trust his words any longer. guess none of men's words can fully be trusted. they can say it without even think about what it means. duh!!!

read tista's blog today. huhuhu i think he knows that i'm going to read it.. or he wasn't? :p anyhoo tis.. i know one day you'll be reading this. and let me tell you one thing about me today. i feel overwhelmed with the qualities of friends that i have. such a blessing... right now, i'm trying to do the "appreciating-small-things-that-i-take-it-for-granted" routine. it makes me feel stronger yet more gentle at heart.

tista's right. sometimes i feel lonely and longing for someone to partnering with me, just like my other friends. but then again, i wont find one, if i cant even love myself. now loving one self is not an easy thing to do. it takes lots of hard work and determination. every soul in this world learns to love their own self every minute of the day.

i use to think that every time this who i thought is a perfect guy for me show up, and finally leave me before we even have a status or relationship.. it's because at that time, i lost my self security by loving him in a higher level than i love myself.

soundtrack of the day:
:: Stuck In a Moment // U2 :: this song goes to Irfan..

:: I Will Fly // Ten 2 Five ::

God bless me with so many friends that holds me up when I'm down. Their encouragement and support really helps me a lot. Thanks to johan, didit, tiar, retno, nay, hikmah, and irfan, I feel a lot better yesterday and today.

I admit it, I feel kinda down. I feel hopeless with myself. What is really wrong with me that most of the ones I love just rejected me down. I watched High Fidelity starring John Cussack yesterday at sonny and ney's. The film really taught me about how men tends to think. Sometimes they're shallow, sometimes their to spontaneous, sometimes they just plainly stupid, sometimes what they think to be the unmost romantic thing they ever said is actually the ones that are very romantic indeed. Sometimes even men can feel a deep remorse when they made mistakes, at least they once a while think about it also. They're not as rational as they say they are, and men are tend to think only the short term effect. They're not that futurism after all.

what my friends did to me well.. It feels like pure magic! Once I'm sad, the next thing u know, I'm already popping up smiles!! ahahaha ... It starts with nay, then hikmah who gave me lots of hugs and kisses. Then johan said that he wanna listened, and last night he SMS me to cheer me up. After that comes tiar and retno from their writings in zorpia. irfan also came up with silly SMS. But the most of all is didit. She actually cried with me, being my shoulder to cry on [yups!!! I can finally cry!!!! After all these times]. I told her my secret ... yups that big secret that I have been holding back real tight. Then she SMS me with cute yet meaningful words.

when I went home.. I look to the sky and gaze at my home.. The stars :p it looks even more beautiful when I'm sad and down. Then suddenly.. It hitted me. God created these stars so that at a point of time, He can talked to Abraham and told him that Abraham will have descendents as much as the stars above. Those stars means promises to him. And it works the same thing to me. Those stars means promises for me to. God keep his promise to Abraham, He'll do the same thing to me. Watching the stars twinkling reminds me of my friends. How they always seems to twinkle for me on my deepest moments, to cope with me and fight with me all the way. The biggest friend that I have is Jesus, He's the one who bless me with all of these thoughts and warm friends.

He just never stop to amaze me :') When i red God's Daily Promises this morning, I get the same thing...

You are important to God

Is that really true?

"When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers... what are mortals that you should think of us?... You put us in charge of everything you made..."

A coincidence? I dont think so.
Thank You God....

i hate people who bullshiting me around. what a waste of time.. what a waste of energy, and what a waste of life!! coz i might gonna curse their existence each and every second i can remember!! especially that question guy! i think he already got a girlfriend :(

arghhhhh

"i miss you" - dont u think the term of missing someone can actually be a sugestion? i mean, those feelings only came when u're lonely, and kinda need those fuzzy love vibe. if we didnt think or feel about those things, we wont be trapped in this phenomena of longing. after all, no one can predict whether u are feeling the right feeling. i cant tell for sure [ well i know i can, but i choose not to ], but i think 'missing someone or something' is a way to justify ur sense of being needed in return. dont u think??

i need to be independent. being a dependent person wears me out. somehow it makes me weaker, and i hate being weak... i cant let myself always depend on others feelings for me, or depend on whether they actually need me or not. people in some ways does need each other, but that doesnt mean they have to hang on to others completely. your independence in loving, in having a feeling, in being free is your own personal statisfaction. and no one in the world can take it from you. not even this slightest lie about missing someone so bad that it makes your world stop turning.

warn me if next time i spill out the word i miss u in this blog. i hate the feeling of dependent, but i'm still in the process of learning, so what the heck!!

hahahahahaha........

ughhh i hate being in the verge of hopelessness in love. huhuhuhu. what does he really want from me? x( i hate this confusion ...

i got this from Stephen Crane's book The Red Badge of Courage ..

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial
who, squating upon the ground
held his heart in his hands,
and ate of it.
I said, "is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter - bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
because it is bitter,
and because it is my heart."

Dont know whether it's Crane's piece or was it Emily Dickinson's. But still, these lines of words get into me real good. His/her heart is bitter, but she/he like it anyway. why? because it is his/her heart. I guess right now, the devil is trying to rip off my heart again, but in a very logical way. Hahahaha but then again 'love' ... can it be more logical? i'm not only talking about the love between a man and a woman, but more than that.

Went to Tista's place today. We had a talk about couple of things, but it's good enough to make me think and realized about myself. thanks tis! :)

rasanya sedang ingin berbahasa indonesia. well so here it goes ... hari ini gue ke breakthrough worship, yg bawa firman pak Hendra. tadinya sih semacam males abis gitu, tapi after a 2nd thought, ini mungkin banyak bagusnya. so i decided to come ama elisa. Tuhan tuh baik banget yah, yg selama ini gue ngerasa kering kerontang abis, jadi berasa tersegarkan kembali! Firmannya tuh tepat, tentu aja macam pedang bermata 2 gitu deh. but it was actually the one i needen. he talked about arti nama loe dengan destiny yang Tuhan udah kasih ke elo sejak awal. Klopun orang tua loe ngasih nama dengan arti yang kurang bagus, hal itu bisa dipatahin, krn pada saat elo pugged in ama Tuhan, destiny loe mengubah nama dan artinya, as long as u know klo di dalam diri loe itu ada Yesus. Kesadaran soal hal ini musti ampe ngelotok bet.. klo udah kayak gitu loe bisa punya kuasa untuk batalin semua hal buruk yang diomongin ke elo, dan pindah daerah ke daerah berkat. Yabes tau Allah Israel itu sanggup ubah destiny loe, by giving you a new revelation...

abis itu kita semacam nyembah.. and i feel connected again to my Almighty Lover, Jesus Christ. How i love Him and miss His mighty presence and favor in my life :) right now, i feel so overwhelmed with His love... thank you Jesus x)

I feel so close ...


[thanks to mvcf]

i hate almost everything that happened today. first, i missed the ic quiz, got stuck at sudirman with cha2 coz her car got overheat, came late to church, he didn't reply my sms, jedi is once again turning into one big 'oops' for he never actually keep his words.

nothing went right today, and guess what ... nobody give a damn about it, neither do i! i had enough with this whole bullshit things. i had enough. i got nowhere to run to, i cant even cry ... what a pain!